I find it interesting that I only started this blog to try and get back into someones life. It worked.....sort of. At first the reuniting was nervous and exciting. I thought for sure that we could retrieve what we had once lost. I came in eager and ready to give of myself and be a great friend. I have learned a hard lesson. Sometimes, people just don't want you. No matter how loving, encouraging and giving you are, some people just can't be friends. What we had once was a special kind of friendship, like soul mates. We were attached  at the heart. We shared scary, wonderful things together. We were young and trying to find our way. 
I was going to take the blame for all that went wrong between us. After going over it in my head, I will not. I did all I could to be the best friend and "maid of honor" at the time. I was given tasks to report back on, and I did. When it came down to me needing a dress, being FAT and POOR, due to raising children of my own, she offered to help pay for the dress., half even, which I thought was very generous. As it came closer to the time to locate the dress, she became distant and speaking with "another" friend about wedding things. Not sure what, as I was cut out of the picture pretty quickly.  She stopped answering my calls and when I tried to go to her house she would ignore me, her and her betrothed. My phone messages went unanswered and I was faded out. 
There is no recollection of these events to the other lovely human, only stories of abandonment "just before my wedding". It is as if the true events were somehow deleted from her mind and I was left, hurt and alone. She was my best friend, my sister, my soul mate........I thought.
My mistake was thinking that it could all be set back into place. We could work through, get to know each other again, love each other enough to get it all back. My lesson has been learned and my heart, once again, broken. You can't make them want it. They either want this(ME) or they don't. I will not fight to make someone love me in the way in which I deserve. I WILL NOT!! I believe in my heart that she is deserved of the fantastic, beautiful love which I offer those closest to me, however, I am also deserved of that same love. 

YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE.
I have watched closely in the past two weeks, people who have died, unaware of the love that flows from the people around them. Unable to be accepting of it as their brains turn to chemo brain and they know not what their hearts true journey is. Two people who could not feel the outpouring of the purest love from those around them...............These two people were not deserved of the love, they had been hurtful and hateful to the end, even to their children whom are left behind to FEEL that the rest of their lives.


..."I'd walk through fire before I would let you feel like you were nuthin"........
                                                                                    Birdie Pruitt 'Hope Floats'


I give my love to you wholly and fervently. If you are in my reach, you will know that you are truly loved.